12 December 2018

Wordless Wednesday: A Bride

My mother with her mother and stepfather in their backyard on her wedding day, 9 September 1972.

08 December 2018

Trying to Find Words. Failing.

We interred my mother's ashes this morning. It was a simple, low-key ceremony at the old family plot with just a handful of close family members. I think Mom would have approved -- no pomp or priest, but deeply heartfelt. I thought I would handle the interment all right, but then the pineapple cookie jar/urn was placed in the grave and it all became unbearable.

No, I thought, that's too deep. Don't leave my mom's ashes in a hole that deep. It will be cold and dark and lonely. She wouldn't like that. But then we were invited to toss some flowers in and it felt marginally less awful.

If I had been braver, I would have taken all the flowers from her graveside and put them in the grave with her urn, surrounding it with color and softness. But I worried I would upset my dad, so did not.

My father without my mother -- it's an impossible thought. My father loved my mother for nearly fifty years, in sickness and health, joy and sorrow, poverty and wealth. She was his best girl. His first and only love. How can I help him go on? Everyone keeps telling me I need to look after my dad now and take care of him and I want to. I am. But it is impossible to look at him and not see my mom.

And it hurts so much.

Always sassing each other.

05 December 2018

A Pineapple For My Mother

The staff at the funeral home provided us with brochure full of urn options, but none of them felt like Mom and we both knew she'd strongly disapprove of the cost of an urn. In the end, I bought a white ceramic pineapple cookie jar with an airtight lid off Amazon. Mom loved pineapples as a symbol of hospitality and we thought she would have gotten a kick out of it if she'd been there to see it. Felt ever so slightly weird dropping it off at the funeral home, but decided they'd probably seen weirder and we were paying so much money already that who cared?

Also, my mom being dead is really making me no fucks given about everything else.