Stuff & Nonsense: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James


05 June 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James


I am weary from all the carnal exertions of the last day and from the complete and utter dilemma that I'm faced with. I sit on my bed and gingerly extract the manila envelope from my bag, turning it over and over with my hands. Do I really want to know the extent of Christian's depravity? It's so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope.

Awkward virginal girl meets an extremely wealthy and powerful man. Said man becomes fixated with her and offers to make her his Submissive. Girl agrees. Light BDSM ensues. Etc.

Clearly, I've read too much erotica, because Fifty Shades of Grey is just not salacious or kinky enough for me. Here's a man, a powerful dominant man, with a room devoted to the pleasure of pain and the best he can do is whip his new girlfriend with a belt? FFS.

The sexytimes are always about Ana being naive and not knowing what to expect while Christian's all masterful and I get it, already. Now let's have some proper Kink. None of this spanking or whathaveyou and then the foil packets and the vanilla penis-vagina sex.

But, I suspect, the sex isn't actually the point. The point is that Ana's fallen in love with Christian and maybe he's falling in love with her and her Magical Love Vagina will heal his 50 Shades of Fucked Up and make him whole and they'll live happy ever after. Huzzah?

Also, am I the only one expecting Ana to end up pregnant at some point soon, because that girl cannot remember to take her contraceptive pill. Why is she on the pill, anyway? Wouldn't an IUD or implant make more sense?

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James (Vintage Books, 2011)

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