Stuff and Nonsense: September 2020


On feeling relief my mother died before COVID

I've been thinking about my mother’s death quite a bit lately. Some days the sight of any little old lady brings a jolt of grief to my heart. I miss her deeply and yet I am also grateful she died.

My mother would not have survived COVID.

The thought of her suffering, dying alone, sedated and on a ventilator, just breaks me. That solitary death is, I think, the cruelest thing about COVID.

The knowledge Mom died quickly, over a matter of hours, in the presence of family (even if I wasn’t there with her) gives me comfort.

That’s not something I should admit to, surely. I cannot say, to someone who asks how I’m coping with the pandemic, “I’m relieved my mom died two years ago.” Yet that is exactly how I feel.